Nonviolent communication expert Micah Salaberrios explains how honest, blame-free conversation turns conflict into closeness.
By Donna Barnes · 9 min read · Communication · Relationship Advice
How to Stop Arguing With Your Partner & Start Connecting
Communication is one of the biggest factors in whether a relationship stays happy, yet most of us were never taught how to do it well. In this conversation from my podcast, I talk with Micah Salaberrios, author of From Conflict to Connection and an expert in nonviolent communication (NVC), about how to get your needs met without damaging the relationship. Below you will find the most practical answers, step by step.
Quick Answer: How Do You Stop Arguing With Your Partner?
To stop arguing with your partner, speak honestly without implying they are bad or wrong, take responsibility for your own feelings, and respond to their emotional triggers with empathy before trying to solve the problem. Conflict is inevitable, but as Micah says, arguing is unnecessary.
Key Takeaways
- Be honest, but never imply blame. Say what you feel and want without suggesting your partner is wrong or responsible for your pain.
- Frame opinions as opinions. “I think it’s too hot in here” invites conversation; “It’s too hot in here” sounds like a fact.
- Use emergency empathy. When someone is triggered, stop and guess how they feel and why. Logic, repeating yourself, and speaking louder do not work.
- You are responsible for your own feelings. Your thoughts, expectations, and framing shape how you feel, so no one “makes” you feel anything.
- Dig for the deeper need. Look beneath the surface issue to find the core need, such as trust, connection, or quality time.
- Only one person needs to use NVC. You can change the pattern of a relationship by changing how you communicate.
- Cool down first, and avoid heavy talks after drinking. Wait until you are calm and sober to bring up important issues.
Why Do Couples Argue in the First Place?
Miscommunication is usually the source of arguments and unhappiness in relationships. Most of us have been taught to speak in ways that include “tricks and landmines”: blame, subtle threats, and implications of wrongdoing. When people feel attacked, criticized, or blamed, they shut down or attack back. Others collapse into “I’m sorry, I’m such a bad person,” which does not feel good either. What couples actually want is connection and understanding.
Micah also points out that many arguments are less about the other person than we think. “Whenever we are annoyed, it’s way more about us,” he explains, and there is usually something we can work out in ourselves. A bad day at the office, for example, can make the simplest request from a partner feel like an attack.
What Is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a communication method created by Marshall Rosenberg that focuses on expressing facts, feelings, needs, and specific requests without blame, judgment, or criticism. Micah describes it as “like a martial art” and a very truthful way to relate, even if the name is not the prettiest. His book updates and modernizes Rosenberg’s original work, which he still recommends reading.
The core of NVC in everyday language
- Speak in facts and preferences, not judgments.
- Make specific requests, not demands.
- Use real feelings (sad, lonely, anxious, annoyed). “I feel ignored” or “I feel as if you don’t care” are judgments in disguise, because they imply the other person is doing something wrong.
- Own your feelings: “I feel annoyed” rather than “you are being annoying.”
What Is Emergency Empathy and How Does It Calm a Fight?
Emergency empathy is the practice of pausing when your partner is triggered and guessing how they feel and why, such as “Are you upset because you feel I don’t respect your thinking?” Micah says that without it, NVC is not practical, because nothing else works once someone is triggered. Asking a specific question works better than “Are you upset?” because it invites the person to check their body and mind, which is calming in itself. Even if your guess is wrong, they tend to calm down, because you have not implied they are bad or wrong.
You can also use emergency empathy on yourself. If you know you are irritated but cannot say why, keep guessing until it resonates. When you name the reason, you feel calmer and see a clearer path to solving the issue. This is similar in spirit to a Vipassana-style practice of turning attention inward and observing sensations.
How Do You Bring Up Something That Is Bothering You?
- Get clear on your intention. Know what you want from the conversation. Human nature often makes us act opposite to our goal, such as withdrawing when we want to feel loved.
- Calm down and identify your feeling. If you are triggered, wait. You can also ask yourself why you feel the way you do.
- State what you feel and prefer, without blame. Say “I feel sad and would love more one-on-one time,” not “You ignore me.”
- Make a request, not a demand. Micah describes connection requests, clarity requests, and action requests.
- If they get triggered, pause and offer empathy. Return to your request once they are calm.
- Bring it up soon. Micah recommends raising issues as soon as is reasonable, because hard conversations that are resolved feel amazing and bring you closer.
Can One Person Change a Relationship’s Communication?
Yes. “It takes two to tango, but it takes one to do NVC,” says Micah. If your partner uses name-calling or harsh language, you can stay factual, offer empathy until they calm down, and then draw a boundary without calling them wrong: “If you call me names, I’m walking away.” Then follow through. You may need to do this many times, but over time your partner will either learn the boundary or the relationship will change. As Micah puts it, once you start walking in peace, it acts like a repellent to people who want war.
I have long said the only way to change your partner is to start by changing yourself. If you are ever in physical danger, remove yourself from the situation first.
Is Compromise the Answer to Relationship Conflict?
Not exactly. From an NVC perspective, compromise often leaves both people unhappy, but being uncompromising does not work either. The sweet spot is finding the deeper desire behind the request. Micah gives the example of a couple who cannot agree on a movie. When they ask what they really want, which is quality time together, they discover alternatives like salsa dancing, ice skating, a hike, or a comedy show that both love.
Some differences, such as whether to have children, cannot be bridged. It is better to uncover those deal breakers early rather than waste years.
Should You Have Difficult Conversations Early in a Relationship?
Absolutely. Talk about the big topics early: children, how you will raise them, values, ethics, and faith. Micah shared that his wife’s deep love of God made him feel comfortable and trusting. I also encourage people to have the honest conversation before they are halfway out the door, because the best conversation should not be the last one. You also cannot be afraid of losing someone over things that are centrally important to you. The sooner you know whether someone is a good fit, the better.
When it comes to marriage, we both agree that two full years, all four seasons twice, is a healthy amount of time to really know someone.
Are Arguments a Sign of a Bad Relationship?
No. A relationship that has worked through conflict is stronger, more powerful, and more resilient. Micah explains that when you resolve one issue all the way to its core, it can resolve many surface issues, such as the shoes, the dishes, or the leftover lasagna. You may not be having fifty different arguments, just one underlying need that has not been addressed. Couples who keep learning, growing, and adapting together also avoid the staleness that leads many long marriages to end.
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes most arguments between couples?
Most arguments come from miscommunication, unspoken needs, and blame. When someone feels criticized, they get defensive and shut down, which turns a simple issue into a fight.
What does NVC stand for?
NVC stands for nonviolent communication, a method created by Marshall Rosenberg for expressing yourself honestly without blame or judgment.
What should I never say to my partner during a conflict?
Avoid statements that imply they are bad or wrong, and avoid blaming them for how you feel. Micah also suggests never asking “What’s wrong with you?”, which is accusatory.
What do I do when my partner gets triggered?
Stop what you are doing and use emergency empathy: guess how they feel and why. Once they are calm, return to your request.
Should I talk about a problem when I have been drinking?
It is better to wait. Alcohol distorts emotions, and you cannot unhear something once it has been said. Cool down and talk when you are sober and calm.
Can I improve my relationship if my partner will not change?
Yes. You can only control yourself, and changing how you communicate and setting clear boundaries will change the relationship dynamic, whether it improves or ends.
How long should you date before getting married?
Both Micah and I recommend about two years, long enough to experience all four seasons twice and to work through real challenges together.
Learn More From Micah Salaberrios
Micah’s book, From Conflict to Connection, is available now, and his podcast shares his knowledge for free. To go deeper, including intensive courses and digital apps, visit artofnvc.com. His advice: do not be afraid to make mistakes, because the skills are worth learning and can improve all your relationships for the rest of your life.
