Are You A Serial Monogamist?

DonnaBarnes Help Us Last Leave a Comment

Do you hate to be alone? Do you go from one relationship to the next and always find a replacement before you break up with anyone? That’s called a serial monogamist, and it’s not good for you.

Many of my clients tell me they hate to be alone. They end up being with someone who isn’t really right for them, or sometimes is really bad for them, just so they can be in a relationship. But there are many reasons why that’s unhealthy.

  • Serial monogamy prevents you from truly knowing yourself.
  • It can prevent you from doing the things you need to do to grow.
  • It can keep you in bad relationships.
  • It can push away the person who might be right for you.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. From the age of 16 till I was 30 I was a serial monogamist. Well, in theory anyway; I didn’t exactly wait for a relationship to end before getting involved in another one. As soon as I started to be unhappy I’d begin looking for the next guy. I’d “try him out” to see if he was relationship material. If he was, I’d dump the original guy. But if not, I’d end up staying in the relationship I knew wasn’t working.

My unconscious fear of commitment kept me picking inappropriate or unavailable men, while my unconscious co-dependence prevented me from just being single. So while it was monogamy in name, obviously there was a lot of dysfunction and infidelity. Not to mention broken hearts. Not mine, but at the time I didn’t really notice.

My brother, who has a degree in psychology, kept telling me I should be single for a while. “Why?” I used to say. “I don’t want to be alone.” I saw no point in being alone. I felt fairly independent within my relationships, so what was the problem? After all, my main goal was to find a good relationship.

But what I didn’t recognize was that I was pushing healthy men away, and I was using my relationship quests to hide from my issues.

Fate intervened and what went around came back around big time; I had my heart devastatingly broken! It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to be alone. Well at least to just “date”, and not have a “boyfriend”. I slowed down and focused all that energy on myself. I finally started to look for help.

Since I refocused, my career has really taken off. I stopped obsessing about men enough to discover what I really wanted in my life. I realized I was on the wrong path and changed directions for the better.

I learned I could survive and even be happy if I didn’t have a man in my life. Of course, that is when I finally met an amazing man. (Which is frequently the case!) My life has really turned around in all areas since I slowed it down. I wish I had done it sooner. If you’re reading this I hope you’ll start now. I’m available if you need help.