When your partner makes you angry, is your first instinct to lash back and hurt him or her? S/he hurt you, so turn around is fair play, right? No, that’s destroying your relationship. You need to react rationally, with integrity, and don’t punish your partner.
You may not look at it as punishing. You’re probably just responding to the emotion of the moment by either canceling plans, withdrawing, or taking away or even damaging something your partner values. But anything you do to hurt, inconvenience, or anger your partner is punishing them.
Couples sometimes argue and within a relationship. You need to try to manage those arguments in a way that is going to move your relationship forward. So if your partner has done something that made you really angry, and now you don’t feel like doing something that you were supposed to do together, essentially you’re punishing them.
You’re saying, I don’t want to do that any more. So yeah, I’m not going to do it. Whether you look at it this way or not, you’re punishing your partner. The fact that now you’re not going to do something that you planned together is not helpful for your relationship. So, instead, you should calmly communicate. Express to your partner what’s making you frustrated. Then maybe you can get to a nice resolution together and then still keep your plans, you can have fun together. But when you act impulsively and withdraw something to punish your partner, that’s really making you look bad.
It lacks integrity, and it’s certainly not helpful to your relationship. It’s also borderline emotionally abusive if you start withdrawing things from the relationship because now you’re angry. Try to make sure that you’re still acting rationally and honoring your word and commitments. Keeping your word is really essential. It’s unbelievable to me today how many people don’t value their word, but you lose all credibility and people lose respect for you if you don’t follow through and do things that you say you were going to do.
So if you get angry at somebody, and then you don’t do something that you said you were going to do — that’s punishing them. I need you to look at it that way because it’s usually subconscious. You’re just angry with somebody so you want to, you just don’t want to be with them right now. Be careful what you do because punishing someone isn’t an effective way to get your needs met. You’ll make the relationship unhappy. Instead, move forward — so if you’re angry at your partner it’s really not about getting back at them, it’s about finding a better way to make the relationship move forward.
Push the pause button when you’re angry. Try to express what you’re feeling with “I” statements. Say, “I feel angry that this is happening.” or “I don’t like that this happened”. Use “I” statement and try to get to a resolution with it without just immediately withdrawing things or cancelling things to punish your partner. Punishing your partner is really not helpful to your relationship.
I’m Donna Barnes don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel, like, and share my videos if you found them helpful.
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