Imagine finding a connection so deep, so fulfilling, that it completely blows your old type out of the water. I’m not talking about settling. I want to talk about how broadening your perspective can open a whole new world of possibilities that you’ve never even dreamed were even possible and finally find the romantic relationship that you’ve been craving.
Welcome to my Broken to Brave podcast. I’m the Love Coach Donna Barnes. We all have a type, right? We all gravitate to somebody. find somebody that we’re really attracted to. But my favorite expression is nothing changes if nothing changes. It’s like the definition of insanity that you keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result. And when that comes to relationships, and dating the same type over and over and over again. That’s why it’s not working out for you or hasn’t worked out for you yet.
I’m a little bit talking from experience here because I kept picking kind of the same person in different wrappers, if you will. Because my type wasn’t necessarily physical. It was emotional and personality based and intelligence based. Which that is still paramount importance to me. But what I’m getting at is that I had fabulous therapist in my 30s that really helped me change my thinking about who could be possibly right for you. And I’ve talked about this before and I think this is very true. Once you do a little bit of self-growth work you’re more attracted to, like attracts like, the healthier you get, the more healthy of a person you’ll be attracted to. But that’s going to feel different the first time.
Honestly, it happened for me. I stayed single for a while throughout my late 30s because I said to everybody in my life that I didn’t want to get into a relationship unless I thought it was somebody that I could spend the rest of my life with. And I met a really wonderful man at a party. And if I’m honest, it was because he looked a lot like the guy that had completely ripped out my heart that I now know was absolutely not a good choice for me. But I was at a party with my girlfriend and this guy walked in and from a distance, I wear glasses for distance. It looked like the first guy. I said to my girlfriend, wow, that guy looks just like, you know, and she said, yeah, we were looking at him. So I always say if you want someone to come talk to you, make eye contact with them. So we were looking at him. He came and talked to us. And if I’m completely honest, the initial attraction was because he looked like someone else that I’d already been crazy about.
However, as I took the time to get to know him and I took a little bit more time with him, I started to recognize what an exceptionally better man he was and a better choice. And he’s the guy that I’ve talked about before that I say I should have married. So that’s exactly what I’m talking about. It will feel different, but it can be so much better.
I promise you, if you’re open, to letting go of the type that you have to have. And look, I’ve talked about before that my type is a tall guy. mean, the bane of my existence as a professional model, right, for decades in New York City was that I wasn’t two inches taller. So I am so attracted to a guy that can reach things off the top shelf without having to climb on the counter, right? So I’ve said that before. But some of the greater loves of my life have only been 5’10”, which…
taller than me, I’m 5’6″, but not towering over me. My preference is 6’2″, 6’3″, and yes, I have tried to date that, but I’ve met some absolutely wonderful men who are not that, that have completely grabbed my attention, which is why I wanted to talk about this, because that can happen to you too. And if you’re not so hell bent on the specific types of what someone has to be, then…
you might just really, really connect with somebody who’s really terrific for you because I can’t even tell you how many people have come to me for coaching and they tell me about some best friend they have of the sex that they date and they think they’re perfect. They have such a great time with them. They’re like, I’m just not attracted to him or her. Right. that’s a little bit what I’m talking about because our perception is our reality, but our perception can be changed. So that’s what I’m talking about.
I promise you it is not settling if you change your perception, right? If you think differently, that’s the holy grail. If you find somebody that you really connect with on a profound deep way, and that’s really kind of what it’s all about. I mean, I’ve also talked about like years ago, and this guy was only five, 10 and not particularly handsome. And he’s the first person to say that, but wicked smart and very funny. And we just, he was my new best friend.
We were having a great time together. then, yeah, I ultimately fell in love with him. One of the greatest loves of my life at that time. And honestly, he and I are still good friends to this day. We weren’t a good romantic couple. We fought a lot. But, and that’s part of the type that I needed to get rid of, right? When I was a kid, my mother and I used to fight a lot. So the devil you know was comfortable that I was in a relationship with a guy that wanted to fight with me all the time. It didn’t feel abnormal.
But fast forward to today, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to fight at all. And if I get a whiff of somebody, if I go out on a date and I realize that they’ve got that combative, some people call it debating. They like to debate. They’re always trying to pick an argument in my opinion. No thanks. And my now guy and I have talked about this. We’re both on the same page about it. And that’s kind of what I’m talking about.
I’ve always said I want my best friend that I can’t keep my hands off of. And yeah, it took me a really long time to find that. And I had some wonderful relationships, and I wasn’t always ready for a relationship at certain times in my life.My bad. But I’m talking from experience here that, you know, they say you got to kiss a lot of frogs. Some of those frogs are actually Prince Charming. They’re just not your Prince Charming.
So without getting off topic, your perception is your reality. And I would really encourage you to write with pen on paper because your brain processes information better that way. What is most important to you in a partner and don’t talk about the physical at all, Because I think we all go to that first. I mean, as a matchmaker, I ask people, what are you attracted to?
Do you have a type? Do you like dark hair? Do you like light hair? Do you like bald? Do you like facial hair? I mean, it matters. But to that point, I had a very beautiful older client who met a guy that she actually really liked, but she said, I can’t stand beards. I just, she didn’t want to do that. And I said, that’s changeable. Beard, you can shave that, right? So that’s exactly my point, Certain things are changeable and- I don’t think you should hold as a deal breaker anything that is actually changeable, like distance,
Sometimes you don’t want to date somebody who’s not in your same town, but if you really connect with somebody, that’s changeable. So don’t discount somebody on changeable things, I mean, geez, I picked up a move to Los Angeles for that guy that I said was only 5’10”, that I didn’t think I was attracted to, I needed to do that anyway. And there were things that I needed to do in that town. But if I’m honest, It was a big impetus that I wanted to be closer to him. And then as that relationship ended, I really wanted to be back in New York, largely for the guy that I said first ripped my art out, So I also just prefer New York,
But my point is things that are changeable, you shouldn’t hold out as deal breakers in what you’re looking for. And if you’re really honest with yourself and you write a list, pen on paper, of what is most important to you in a partner. That has nothing to do with the physical.
For me, it’s intelligence. And it’s also just the same kind of personality that, you know, who do I want to talk to about things? Who do I feel like I can talk to about things? Who’s my best friend? That’s what’s most important to me. Lifestyle is important and how you do things. I just made another video about your sleep style. That’s important too, because I’m a cuddler. I love a guy that also wants to cuddle and that we can cuddle comfortably, right?
So you usually don’t get the whole nine yards, right? I think what I’m trying to suggest is if you’re holding out for everything that you have to have in a partner, but that’s not been working for you. Open that up a little bit and just have an open mind to a different type.
That might really make you happy. I mean, like really happy, really deep, emotional connection is what we’re all searching for. I mean, to me that’s the Holy grail. Somebody that just is your person, right? That has your back, that is just the safe landing place when anything’s going bad in your life, just seeing their name pop up on your phone makes you happy, right? I mean, does it matter so much that maybe they’re two inches taller than you prefer, or maybe they have 20 more pounds on them than you prefer. Because yeah, height thing’s not exactly changeable, but weight is, hair color is, Like there’s a whole bunch of things that people think they don’t want that is changeable.
I’m just trying to suggest that if it’s not been working for you and that you’ve been connecting with people and then they’re short-lived relationships, because most relationships only last three to six months, and it’s largely because you don’t have that commonality, you’re not really right for each other. So if you meet somebody who’s in the physical package that you really are attracted to,
But then as you get three months in, you start to realize, yeah, but this is wrong and this is wrong and there’s just so many things and you’re crazy attracted to them, but you’re putting up with all sorts of stuff that just isn’t right for you. Don’t do that. Really. I mean, yeah, we all, it’s hard to find somebody that you’re really attracted to. So when you find somebody that you’re really attracted to, you’ll jump through a million hoops trying to make it work.
But that’s not what is always best for you. And you don’t want to linger and waste time with somebody that is not right for you. I promise you, because all that’s doing is preventing you from finding the person that’s right for you. So if you’re hell bent on that crazy attraction, I’d like to put a new idea in your head that that crazy attraction usually grows out of that deep connection, a really fulfilling connection with another human being, that emotional intimacy, where you can become attracted to somebody that you didn’t think you were.
Because I’ll tell you, one of the greatest loves of my life ⁓ that I resisted dating, handsome guy, athletic, fit, really did check a lot of the boxes, but I just wasn’t that attracted to him. But I really enjoyed his company. I had a great time with him.
And he played it well. He wasn’t coming on too strong. He wasn’t over monopolizing my life. And yeah, but he kept showing up and I did enjoy his company. And if I’m honest, I delayed having sex with him for quite a long time because I just really was like, I don’t know. I really like you, but I’m not into you. And that’s exactly, I guess, what I’m talking about, right? When you really like somebody, but you’re just not that into them. Explore that.
Because that guy ended up becoming one of the greatest loves of my life and was absolutely my best friend. And quite frankly, he’s still kind of my best friend to this day. Right? I mean, now I’m in another relationship with his rapidly becoming my best friend. the other guy, mean, choose, I’ve known him for a decade now, right? So like, that’s my point. If I had…
And I did meet him on Tinder, so he was attractive enough that I swiped on his picture. But my point is, don’t hold out for somebody who’s checking all the boxes because that might keep you alone for a really long time. If there’s somebody that you just have a great time with and you really enjoy their company and when they ask you to do something, you’ll say yes again, because you enjoyed their company and you wanted to be around them. That’s the beginning of a really good relationship.
And you are what you think you are. If you decide that you are attracted to him or her, you will be. I promise you that your thoughts create your feelings. And if you’re telling yourself, yeah, I just wish I was attracted to him. I’m just not attracted to him. That’s why you’re not attracted to him. But if you were to tell yourself, you know, he is kind of sexy when he does this or kind of like when he does that. And he’s really nice to me and he treats me the way I want to be treated. Tell yourself, maybe I could fall for this person.
I promise you, will. And that’s that really deep, gratifying, fulfilling love that we’re all looking for. So, yeah, think outside the box, as they say, and explore something that…
you immediately weren’t attracted to you because that immediate chemistry is so exceptionally rare and usually doesn’t last. Right? That that starts fast usually burns out fast.
And career stuff, I think being hung up on any kind of specific affluence is another really big mistake. Holding a hard boundary that you need somebody of a certain affluence is another way that will really keep you single. Especially if you have some sort of affluence yourself, because look, as a matchmaker, I had a lot of very successful women who said, I need a guy to have a certain amount of wealth, But here’s the rub of that as you get older.
If a guy’s got a certain amount of wealth and he’s attractive and he’s checking all those boxes, he can get a girl 20 years younger than him and he wants that. Right? So it may keep you alone. If you have obtained a certain amount of wealth in your life and you are comfortable, why do you need the man to have that? You don’t have to be his sugar mama. You don’t even have to reveal to him how much money you have.
Just really look for a true life partner, especially if you’re older, If you’re in an older demographic, like, you know, I’m in my 50s, right? Like, it’s not about starting a family and building a life together that way.
Look, finances I know are really important and money is usually the number one cause of divorce, right? So I’m not saying somebody that is completely, you know, looking for someone to take care of them I made another video about how to recognize a scammer because unfortunately there’s a lot of those people out there. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about, I had two really beautiful older women who flat out said to me,
I need a man who makes more money than I do. And they made a lot of money. That’s kind of what I’m talking about because look, if you’re really just looking for someone to connect with and you want somebody to be your partner and go through life and things like that with then honestly, career is should be on the bottom of your list of what they do.
And yes, I get it. Look, I’m a New Yorker. People of wealth just carry themselves differently. They have a different confidence about them. They have an air about them that is just relaxed because they are confident in themselves and what they’ve made. And I find that to be very true. But that doesn’t mean that people that haven’t obtained that kind of wealth can’t have that same kind of confidence about other things. In fact, in the entertainment industry, a lot of people are just very creative, which have brought them a certain amount of affluence.
I’m just saying think outside the box a little bit, like the classic avenues of like, you know, the old money. Is harder to connect with largely because not everybody’s single. Like I’ve said before, most people are connected to somebody else, the less parameters you have on who could be the match for you, the more open you are and the more likely you are to really have that deep connection with somebody.
That’s fulfilling. Isn’t that the most important? I mean, for me, if the gauge is who do I want to climb in bed with at the end of the day? I want it to be somebody that I’m really excited to climb into bed with, right? I mean, I was at a big social event with my guy And at like nine o’clock, he looked at me and said, are you ready to go? A hundred percent I was ready to go because I’m excited to climb in bed with him whenever.
And I think that for me is the gauge of a really good relationship. Who do I want to go home with? Right. Who do I want to spend that time with? mean, because, know, honestly, years ago, the guy that I said I met that it felt different when I first started dating him.
Two or three years into our relationship, we moved in together. So it was while we were living together, we were taking a cab home from downtown one night and we were making out in the back of the cab and the cab driver got pissed off and pulled over and made us get out of the cab. And we were like, and I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, she said to me, wow, really? You guys still make out like that? And I thought, yeah, of course we do. I’m crazy about him. He’s my guy.
Not everybody has that, So that’s exactly my point. If you keep holding out for somebody that has the career, has the finances, has the physical appearance, checking all those boxes, you might be really missing out on somebody else who has the other boxes of really being your best friend and somebody that you can’t keep your hands off of, who is the first person you want to talk to about things and really just live your life with.
So, yeah, just encouraging you to change your perception and maybe some of those little red flags you see in the person that you decided wasn’t quite right for you can become green flags if you decide that you want them to be. Your thoughts really do create your feelings and you are what you think you are.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. So maybe you just need to change your type. You can, if you decide you want to.
So thanks for watching. I am here for coaching if you want to talk about it further and really want to bounce an idea off of me, somebody that maybe you’re interested in that you don’t think you could be attracted in. I’d love to help you think differently about that.
And check out my store. do have a new cool online store. I created wearables to start conversations, things like flirt responsibly and ask, don’t manipulate that. If you’re out and you’re wearing something like that, give somebody an opening to come talk to you. And yeah, I’m here for coaching. I’d love to help you through whatever it is that you might be going through. And thanks for watching. I look forward to seeing you in my next video.
