When living through a breakup your ex consumes the majority of your thoughts. What is he doing? Why doesn’t she want me? What’s wrong with me?

That’s when the bargaining stage of the grief process begins. You start obsessing about what you could do better so you can get your ex back. You take all the blame and start making promises for what will be different if you can only try again. You’ll come up with what may SEEM like valid reasons to reach out to your ex.

But this is what you need to hear:

There is nothing you can do to control what your ex does.

The more you try the more you’ll push him/her away.

I know the inability to control what your ex does creates a lot of anxiety, and even panic. Thinking about your ex moving on, doing things without you that you used to do together, or being with someone else will only cause you pain. It’s very dangerous because it allows you to loose perspective on what’s good for you, or even rational. So stop thinking those things!

I do realize that’s much easier said than done but you really can choose what you think about. You need to start thinking about only what you can control. The only thing you can control in regard to your ex is to decide you do not want him/her anymore. You absolutely do not want anyone who doesn’t want you. Focus on what didn’t work about the relationship. Most importantly, focus on what you can do for yourself now that you have more time. Exercise, visit with friends and family (without talking about your ex), and do something you’ve always wanted to do.

When you stop trying to control your ex you’ll stop hurting, you’ll also have much more time to take care of yourself — which will make you very attractive to someone better.