Dating after divorced can seem overwhelming. Yes, dating is very different now. If you were married for a long time it’s scary to think of getting back out there. I certainly understand your desire to just jump into another relationship for the safety of it. However, going out on lots of dates is actually good for you — it will help you learn new things about yourself and who might be a better match for you.

A client of mine who had just gotten divorced from her teenage sweetheart after 9 years of marriage (16 years together total) was trying so desperately to make it work with the first guy she was attracted to. She came to me to get help in getting him to marry her. But it was clear to me he wasn’t interested in her that way, he was treating her like a casual fling. I encouraged her to look for someone else.

She kept saying, “I don’t want to date, I just want to get married again.” I told her that kind of thinking would get her into another failed marriage. I said, “If a guy asks you out go out with him. Look at it as practice.

We all have patterns of people that are attractive to us unless we make an effort to learn what doesn’t work and make better choices. The more people you date the more you learn about yourself. It will also help you be less nervous when you meet someone who could be really right for you.

What I’m saying is please resist the temptation to just fall into a “safe” relationship as soon as you get out of a marriage, or other insignificant long-term partnership. I know it feels comfortable now but it is usually settling for more of what you just got out of. To find true love you have to be willing to put yourself out there and allow yourself to feel vulnerable. With great risk comes great reward. And I’m here to help with personal coaching if you feel scared or alone.

You’ll also find help in my book: Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices