Marriage, Divorce, and the Truth No One Talks About
A Conversation with the Divorce Buddha
By Donna Barnes, Love Coach | Broken to Brave Podcast
What are your thoughts on marriage?
Are you getting married? Already married? Questioning your marriage? Wondering if divorce might actually be the healthier choice?
These are the questions that open one of the most honest conversations I’ve ever had about love, commitment, and ending relationships—with attorney, mediator, former yoga teacher, and my neighbor, Deian McBryde, also known as The Divorce Buddha.
This conversation isn’t about telling you whether to get married or divorced. It’s about helping you understand what marriage actually is, why divorce can be so painful, and how both can be approached with far more awareness, dignity, and care than most of us were ever taught.
Disclaimer: This discussion is for general informational purposes only and is not legal advice. For legal guidance specific to your situation, consult a licensed attorney in your jurisdiction.
Marriage Is Romantic… and It’s Also a Contract
We love to talk about weddings—the dresses, the flowers, the guests, the celebration. But very few people talk honestly about what marriage really is in the eyes of the law.
As Deian explains, marriage is a contract—not just between two people, but between two people and the state. That third party isn’t interested in romance. The state wants to know one thing:
Will you make sure this other person doesn’t become a ward of the state?
That’s why you need the state’s permission to end a marriage. And that’s why divorce can feel so overwhelming. Most people enter marriage without fully understanding the terms of the contract—or how difficult it can be to exit it.
And yet, we’d never buy a house, start a business, or sign a major financial agreement without understanding how to get out of it. Marriage is the only contract people sign based almost entirely on emotion.
The Divorce Reality No One Prepares You For
Divorce is rarely just paperwork. It’s grief. Shock. Identity loss. Trauma.
Deian shared something that stuck with me deeply:
Criminal attorneys see the worst people at their best. Divorce attorneys see the best people at their worst.
Many people describe their divorce as a fog—months or years they can barely remember. And while divorce doesn’t have to be brutal, it often becomes that way because people are operating from fear.
Fear of losing their kids.
Fear of financial instability.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of being replaced.
At its core, Deian believes most people entering divorce are really asking one question:
“Am I safe?”
When people don’t feel safe, they fight for everything—money, custody, control. But when safety is addressed first, the entire process can change.
Choosing the Right Divorce Attorney Matters More Than You Think
One of the biggest mistakes people make during divorce is hiring the wrong lawyer.
Many people ask for a “bulldog attorney”—someone who will fight, dominate, and destroy the other side. That might feel validating in the moment, but it often leads to worse outcomes, longer cases, and significantly more emotional and financial damage.
What you really want is:
- An attorney you trust
- Someone who will be honest with you (even when you’re wrong)
- Someone who can explain complex issues clearly
- Someone who protects your interests without escalating unnecessary conflict
Divorce is not the place for ego. It’s the place for clarity.
Conscious Coupling vs. Conscious Uncoupling
We hear a lot about conscious uncoupling, but Deian made a powerful point:
We don’t talk enough about conscious coupling.
Most people don’t fail at marriage because they didn’t love each other. They fail because they never talked honestly about:
- Money
- Power dynamics
- Children
- Career expectations
- Independence
- How conflict will be handled
- What happens if things change
People grow. Circumstances shift. The person you marry at 25 will not be the same person at 45—and neither will you.
Marriage isn’t about guaranteeing forever. It’s about entering a partnership with eyes open, expectations spoken, and an understanding of how to protect both people if it ends.
Why Staying “For the Kids” Can Do More Harm Than Good
One of the biggest myths about marriage is that staying together for the kids is always the right choice.
Children don’t learn what love looks like from words. They learn it from what they watch every day.
If a relationship is cold, hostile, resentful, or emotionally disconnected, that becomes their model for intimacy. Later, they unconsciously recreate it.
Healthy co‑parenting after divorce—where children feel loved, safe, and supported by both parents—often creates better outcomes than growing up in a home filled with tension.
The Grief No One Talks About
Divorce isn’t just the end of a relationship. It’s the death of a future you thought you were going to have.
And like any loss, it requires grieving.
Many people skip this step by staying angry, staying busy, or staying in constant conflict. But without grief, healing doesn’t happen.
As Deian shared from his experience both as an attorney and as a judge, that moment when a divorce is finalized is often filled with complex emotions—relief, sadness, fear, and loss all at once.
You can’t truly begin again until you let yourself acknowledge what ended.
Five Powerful Divorce Truths to Remember
Deian shared these essential insights for anyone considering or going through divorce:
- Never use divorce as a threat.
If you file, be prepared for it to become real. - Choose your attorney carefully.
You’re choosing a partner for one of the hardest chapters of your life. - You can always make more money—time is gone forever.
Endless fighting is rarely worth it. - Your children will tell the story of your divorce someday.
Make it one you’re proud of. - Men especially need strong friendships.
Isolation destroys marriages—and makes divorces harder.
Final Thoughts
Marriage can be beautiful. Divorce can be freeing. Neither makes you a failure.
What matters is how consciously you choose, how honestly you communicate, and how much responsibility you take for your own growth—before, during, and after a relationship.
If love brought you together, let respect guide you if it ends.
And if you’re standing at a crossroads—wondering whether to stay, leave, or begin again—know this:
You are not broken.
You are learning.
And you get to write the next chapter.
About the Guests
Donna Barnes is The Love Coach, relationship expert, and host of the Broken to Brave Podcast.
Deian McBryde is a family law attorney, mediator, former yoga teacher, and creator of The Divorce Buddha.
If you have questions or thoughts, share them in the comments. We’re both here—and the conversation doesn’t end here.
