You Can Never Take Back Mean Words

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Mean and nasty criticism of your partner, said out of anger, with an intention just to hurt will permanently damage your relationship, and very possibly end it for good. So if you’re not trying to break up then you need to choose your words very carefully and always speak with compassion for your listener — no matter how angry you are.

When you feel yourself wanting to explode take a few long, deep breaths and honestly access why you’re angry. If it’s because you love your partner so much that anxiety is causing you to feel insecure, jealous, or unloved then you need to act in accordance with your true intention — to get more love from your partner. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and calmly express what you truly want. I promise you’ll get a better response than you’ll get with anger.

But all too often the emotional response center of our brain causes us to blurt out mean and hurtful remarks before our reasoning center has a chance to weigh-in and make us more reasonable. Unfortunately, once you say it you can never take it back. Even if you later apologize your partner will still believe that you meant it — you said it so you had to have thought it. If you really go for the jugular and criticize things from your lover’s past s/he may never forgive you. Things from the past can never be undone and they need to remain in the past. Throwing things in your lover’s face just to berate him is actually verbal abuse.

The way a couple fights says a lot about their potential to stay together long-term. The objective of any argument should be to find a better way to get along, to learn more about each other’s needs — to improve your connection. If you can calmly talk about what you need using “I” statements and move on implementing the requested changes together then you can maintain a happy relationship. But when you fight to hurt you push your lover away. It’s a common reaction to reject when you feel rejected but that doesn’t get your needs met. And such relationships usually don’t last.

Limit the things you fight about to things that can actually be changed. Things that can’t be changed are pointless to argue about, so you need to agree to disagree and forget about it.

In conclusion, if you’re frustrated because you’re not getting the love you want then you need to behave in a way to inspire your partner to love you. On the contrary, if you assassinate her character by saying whatever will hurt her the most you will push her further away, and very possibly lose her forever.  I doubt that is what you want.