“He who loves least has the power.”
Have you ever heard that expression? It refers to who controls the relationship. I googled that topic and as a relationship coach, I was sorry to see how many other bloggers think that having the power is a good thing. As if it’s some sort of competition or survival of the fittest. Relationships are best when they’re a true partnership.
Since I frequently use the expression “don’t give your power away” I thought it might be good to explore exactly what “Power” really is.
When you like someone who is very upbeat and outgoing you might say they have a great energy. Or if they’re nasty and complain a lot you’d say they have a bad attitude or negative energy. Well, without getting too much into quantum physics, we are all made up of energy. Our thoughts, emotions, and actions are our power. So when we think and act positively we are empowered, and therefore happy. But when we are jealous, angry, fearful, vengeful, manipulative (you get the idea) we are disempowered, because we’re expending our energy on negative thoughts and behavior.
Thus when someone has “the power” in a relationship, it’s because the other isn’t maintaining their own. Usually because of fear. If you’re afraid that your partner doesn’t love you as much as you love them, you start to act out of insecurity rather than love. You may try to manipulate them into loving you more…using guilt, blame or playing the victim. If you’re afraid that they’re going to leave you may become needy and smothering (hanging on for dear life) or start to “show off” or compete with them to prove your worth. You may become jealous of others you perceive your partner will find more attractive (which makes you less appealing). Or you may just not speak up about what you really think and want because you don’t want to alienate your partner. All of these actions, conscious or not, are draining your energy. You’re putting your happiness in the hands of your partner…you’re giving them your power.
Of course, I completely understand why people may feel better about being the one to have the power. It’s a less vulnerable position. Especially if you’ve previously been the one giving away your power…and it caused you pain. But having the power isn’t true love. And feeding off someone else’s power (or taking advantage of their love) ultimately won’t fulfill you. You really would be happier in a balanced relationship – of equal power.
You start by maintaining your own power. That means truly loving yourself. Having compassion and doing nice things for you. When you’re kind to yourself, you’ll attract people who will be kind to you too. Energy is contagious.
When you’re in a relationship – focus your energy on the relationship as a whole…not just on your partner (or yourself). If at any point the relationship seems imbalanced then you should discuss it. If that doesn’t resolve the inequality, then get out. You’ve got the power to have a true partnership.